Whiskey Lullaby
by Lizicia
Summary: Major angsty story about betrayal, love, hurt, angst, pain. Quite depressive actually. Warning: character death. [CaRWash, slight EC]
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story is going to start off nice and fluffy and then go angstorama and tragedy. The title actually says a lot but I'll leave it to you to figure it out. And yes, I do find Jude Law to be damn hot and sexy.

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"I wish you didn't have to go."

Ryan smiled into Calleigh's neck as he heard her say that. He didn't respond but simply held her tighter and tried to remember her smell, the way she felt, the way her hair fell, the way her voice sounded.

"It's only going to be a few months. You'll handle it."

He had insisted upon further training and Horatio had given him the chance – in England. Three months away from his work, his friends and, most of all, Calleigh. Their still fragile love was fresh and needed a bit more support but he couldn't give up a thing he had wanted, begged to have. Fortunately, she understood.

"I know. It's just that… it's England. You'll probably meet a pretty, fancy girl who speaks with a very posh accent and you don't want to come back then."

She tried to maintain a serious tone but he could see she was joking.

"Right, and I'll have babies with her who have the same posh accent while you will be comforted by some handsome male model. Alright, our lives have been set for the future."

"Stop it," she playfully smacked him on the arm as their embrace loosened.

They both smiled at each other and were totally oblivious to everyone around them and to the fact that they were at the airport.

"_Flight BA 206 from Miami International Airport to London Heathrow Airport starts boarding passengers."_

He cast a glance at her. "That's my flight."

She pretended to frown at that but couldn't help smiling as he gently kissed her. "I love you."

They both smiled and she pulled him into a more passionate, fiercer kiss. The kiss of 'I-love-you-too' and 'good-bye'.

He let go of her, took his luggage and walked away, once in a while looking back over his shoulder to see her still standing there and looking after him. She held the sight of him as long as he disappeared and only then headed back.

These were going to be the longest three months of her life.

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"Hey, Cal, any plans for tonight?"

She smiled at Eric who leaned on the door of the break room, eyes steadily focused on her.

"Not really. Any good ideas?"

"A movie and some Chinese, perhaps."

Calleigh couldn't help smiling again. It had been awhile since they had had their movie nights. Truth be told, she had been so busily engaged with Ryan that she didn't even miss Eric, movies and Chinese.

"Sure, we haven't done that in a long time. Your place?"

"Not a good idea. One of my sisters, Carmela, is staying there and it would be more comfortable without anyone around."

"Okay. See you at eight?"

"I'll bring the Chinese."

Exactly at eight someone rung the doorbell and Calleigh ran to answer it. There was, of course, Eric.

"Hope you're hungry," he said, showing three bags of Chinese and Calleigh let him in with a small smile playing on her lips.

"Hope you brought something good," she equally responded.

He took the food out while she searched her fridge.

"What movie are we watching anyway?"

Calleigh allowed a sly smile on her lips. "Alfie."

Eric made a suffering face. "Not _again_! I can't understand what is it with women and Jude Law. He isn't that handsome."

Calleigh faked a hurt expression. "He sure is. I mean, look at that dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, gorgeous face… how can you not love him?" She tried to maintain a serious expression but soon broke into laughter.

"So you're saying he is the most handsome man on this planet?"

"No…" she smilingly replied. "The most handsome man is…" she was cut off by her phone and stood up to get it.

"Calleigh… Ryan! How are you… really… I hope it's fun… no, just about to watch Alfie with Eric… yeah, he's here… okay... I miss you… ten weeks to go… okay, bye… I love you too."

Eric had heard the conversation and couldn't help but feeling a bit jealous. He knew that they were just friends or at least that was what he tried to tell himself.

She hung up and sat down next to Eric. "What do you know, the most handsome man just called."

He smiled but it was a bit forced. Calleigh didn't seem to notice but kept on smiling. And Eric wondered how long he could resist.

"Let the movies begin!"

After two months and two weeks Calleigh was going crazy. Sure, they phoned each other almost every night but she longed to see him for real, to be in his arms again and that drove her mad. Two weeks separated them and although Eric kept her company, she missed Ryan.

They were at Macarena, the new salsa club and Calleigh tried to unleash every hint of her sadness and frustration into dancing. She was really good at it and Eric couldn't take his eyes off her bare shoulders, red mini-dress that perfectly showed her figure and revealed her perfectly toned legs. She was laughing and enjoying herself and Eric realised she had had a few drinks too many.

"Come on, Cal, let's go home now," he gently put his arm around her waist and guided her out of the dance room.

By the time they made it to the house, she still hadn't calmed and the alcohol was definitely hitting her off real bad. Eric took her inside her bedroom and placed on the bed but Calleigh wouldn't let go of his neck.

"You smell nice… different but nice," she said and kissed him. Eric was taken by complete surprise but didn't pull out of the kiss just yet. She was so soft, so tender and yet so passionate – everything he had dreamt of for longer than he could remember. But finally his reason won.

"Calleigh…" he whispered, "we can't do this."

She pouted and then asked, "Don't you want me anymore?"

"Wh-what?"

Eric didn't understand a thing.

"Did you find someone else in England?"

Then it hit him. She was probably so drunk that confused him for Ryan. Her loneliness had crossed the invisible line between missing someone and doing something stupid under the influence of alcohol.

"Calleigh, I'm not Ryan. It's…" but he was shut off with another kiss, even fiercer than before and she pulled him down on the bed, rolling him over so she was lying on top of him. Her eyes glistened but her focus wasn't clear – her eyes saw Eric but her mind told her it was Ryan. She slowly started to unbutton Eric's shirt.

Eric couldn't believe this was happening. Here he was, in the arms of the woman he so desperately wanted but knew he could never have and now she wanted him. His mind told him to stop but his heart, the one that ached, didn't allow him to.

They made love slowly and Eric thought for awhile that he really had her. Until when she reached the edge and the name that came off her lips was still: "Ryan." And Eric knew he would regret this in the morning.

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**A/N: No, I don't have anything against Eric, he is there to make the story even more sad. And yes, I am in quite a depressive mood that is going to develop further in the next chapter. Review please.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you to the reviewers. This chapter is even more depressive as my mood worsened (if that is even possible). The song is 'Whiskey Lullaby' by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss and it is the only country song I like. The other song mentioned, 'A Quiet Mind' is by Blue October and is a painfully incredible song. **

**WARNING: character death (you knew it anyhow). **

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Ryan quietly opened the door with his key. It was eight o'clock and it was a Saturday, so he expected Calleigh to be asleep. He was, after all, home two weeks early as his training had finished before and instead of spending some time in London, he so desperately wanted to see Calleigh again that he had got on the first flight available. He made his way to the bedroom but couldn't shake off the though that something was wrong.

The same time Calleigh painfully opened her eyes. Whatever had happened, she couldn't remember it. But she became suddenly aware of the warm _naked_ body nuzzling against her own _naked _one and as she sniffed the air, an uneasy thought crept into her head. She would've recognised the smell anywhere but she certainly didn't want that in her bed. _Eric._

She turned her head to see him smiling at her but before she could ask anything, she heard the bedroom door open.

Calleigh saw herself looking in Ryan's eyes and felt a thousand emotions rush into her head, mind and every part of her body. She could see all kinds of emotions in his eyes as well: hurt, anger, pain, sorrow, but most of all, she could almost hear how his heart broke.

Ryan couldn't believe what he saw. Calleigh, _his_ Calleigh belonged to Eric. She probably had never wanted him anyhow. He felt the tears stinging his eyes and the anger rising up as he shut the door closed and made his way to the door.

Before he could leave, though, he felt a hand on his and turned around to face Calleigh.

"Ryan! Oh God, please let me explain, don't just rush off! I need to…" but he cut her off.

"What is there to explain? You betrayed me, you _killed_ me. I don't ever want to see you again!"

And with that, he left, hurriedly so she wouldn't catch him again.

She ran after him but he had already got into his car and had driven away. Broken inside and not understanding, she went back to find out what had happened.

Inside she met a very worried looking Eric.

"Cal, is everything alright?"

He had meant to be understanding, try and explain everything but when he saw the dead look in her eyes he knew he had it very wrong.

"Eric, what the _hell_ happened?" Her voice pierced through his recent joyfulness as a sharp knife.

"You were drunk and when I drove you home and wanted to leave, you didn't want me to go. You begged me to stay and… you know where it went." He tried to sound nonchalant at saying that but her look didn't soften; it became more poisonous.

"How dare you! I was drunk and you took advantage of me! I thought we were friends. Why, Eric? Couldn't you stand the happiness I had found?"

"No, I couldn't!" he nearly yelled, letting out all. "Calleigh, I have loved you since the day I met you; I wanted you more than anyone. And we're not _friends_; I have never wanted to be a friend. And after years of knowing you and dealing with you, you fall into the hands of the first rookie cop that has come to replace Speed!"

He didn't see it coming until he felt his left cheek stinging and saw the fiery look in her eyes. Soon, it was replaced with a cool icy look.

"Get out." Her voice was ice.

"Calleigh…" he knew it had gone too far.

"Get out!" she yelled. "I don't ever want to see you again!"

He obeyed and left. When he was gone, Calleigh fell on the floor and for the first time in years let the tears fall.

* * *

_She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette_

_She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget_

Ryan couldn't understand any of this nonsense he had just gone through. Mere minutes ago he had been so happy, so in love but now the gloominess that had taken him didn't seem to leave. His mind kept playing the scene over and over again; how he had seen the clothes on the floor, the two naked bodies in the bed, the way he smiled at her and the way she had begged him not to go.

He couldn't delete the scenes just like that so he decided to get some help with that. He drove to the edges of Miami, looking for a nice bar where to cool down and also to make sure no one could find him.

He spotted one small pub by the road, so he pulled over and went there. It was dark and smoky but it fitted his mood perfectly.

"What can I get you?" The barmaid gave him a nice smile.

"Double whiskey; leave the bottle."

She smiled again, understandingly, and in a minute he was all alone with his bottle. Truth be told, he wasn't a fan of whiskey at all but this was the only thing helping him forget.

Suddenly the record changed and he could hear _A Quiet Mind_ start. It was more than he could bear; it was their song. The lyrics filled his head and he felt so anguished that he decided to leave.

"Can I take the bottle? I'll pay."

"Sure thing, sweet cheeks."

He paid and took the whiskey and left. He wanted to go to his apartment but decided against it. Calleigh could reach him there and he didn't want to hear her beg.

He drove a bit back to the city and found a motel by the road. It was cheap and lousy but he didn't need cushy pillows right now.

Ryan poured himself a fair amount of whiskey and just drank, looking out of the window. Finally he sat by the wall, leaning against it, feeling the coolness and felt the tears fall down his cheeks while he enjoyed his bottle of whiskey in complete silence.

The next day, he went to the headquarters but only to the front desk; he left an application of holiday for Horatio and then left the building. Another day, another bottle.

Horatio called him later in the evening.

"Mr. Wolfe, I got your application. How long are you planning to stay? You forgot to mention that."

He sighed. "I don't know for sure. Two weeks at first notice if that is okay."

"Of course it is." He paused. "Mr. Wolfe, is there anything wrong I should know about?"

Ryan couldn't help smirking. Horatio would see through him even if they weren't facing each other but on the phone. But he decided to lie.

"No, no, everything is alright. I just need some time off. Bye, H."

Days flew by. Every day he spent with a bottle of whiskey, listening to melancholic songs. They didn't help with his mood, obviously but slowly helped him forget. Although all the scenes that he had witnessed kept playing in his head, if he drunk enough, he could make them a blur and not be able to separate faces and looks. The pain in his heart would also subside, eventually, but the next morning it would still be there, even more evident than the night before.

_We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time_

_But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind_

_Until the night _

Calleigh tried to reach him every possible way. She wouldn't stop calling him, so he turned off his phone. He knew that she visited his apartment daily and once, when he went there to get some clean clothes, he nearly would've collided with her.

So, night after night he sat in his dirty motel room, drinking one whiskey after another until it became his daily routine. He almost stopped eating and consumed only whiskey. Somewhere in the back of his head, a small voice told Ryan that this would end badly but he didn't care anymore. It helped the pain go away.

_He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger_

_And finally drank away her memory_

_Life is short but this time it was bigger_

_Than the strength he had to get up off his knees _

The night two weeks passed, he knew that Horatio would try to reach him the next day but he didn't want that to happen. Because then he would have to face him and Calleigh and Eric and a million questions and he would have to hear Calleigh saying she's sorry. But he just couldn't take it anymore.

He had finished two bottles already and the third one was open. His vision had blurred out completely but he still had the sense to sit out. A piece of paper and a pen were lying in front of him and he just felt the need to write everything down. That when they found him, they would know.

He grabbed the pen but all he could think of, all he could write down, was _I love you. _He didn't need to see to write that down. He then stood up and tried to finish the third bottle.

Suddenly, he lost his balance and fell onto the bed. Miraculously, there was no pain, no sorrow, no heart-ache anymore. All he could feel was this ethereal bliss that started to surround him. He seemed to fall through the bed and suddenly there was nothing anymore…

_We found him with his face down in the pillow_

_With a note that said I'll love her till I die_

"We have a dead body at Sunset Motels. Unknown Caucasian male." Calleigh took her kit as she, Horatio and Jason, a temporary replacement made their way to the crime scene.

She was about to enter when Tripp hurriedly made his way towards them.

"Ugh… Calleigh, I don't think you should enter." She looked at him quizzically.

"It's not a very pretty sight."

She smiled. "Well, my job is not supposed to be pretty," and stepped in.

"Calleigh..." Tripp's words were lost to her as she entered nonchalantly and made her way to the corps but stopped dead in tracks. She would recognize that back everywhere.

"Ryan…" she stared at the body, not able to breathe, blink, move. Her entire body seemed to go rigid. He was there, on the bed, and a bottle of whiskey shattered to the floor. Calleigh noticed two more empty bottles.

The world seemed to whirl around her and she needed to find support from the table. Under her fingers she felt a piece of paper and when she looked at it, she couldn't stop the tears anymore. _I love you._ She moved towards him and Alexx who was there processing the body, made no effort to stop her.

Calleigh gently soothed his hair. Then she sat on the bed, wrapped her fingers around his and lie down on him. Tears kept flowing and for what seemed an eternity, she breathed in his scent, mixed with whiskey and in the quietness kept repeating: "I'm sorry." But there was no one to hear that anymore.

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**A/N: Depressing, I know. One more chapter to come, review in the mean time.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for delaying this, I just came over my depressing period for a while. But now it's back. So, expect to be even more depressed. **

**Warning: Character death.**

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The funerals were held a week later. All who had ever known Ryan, been his friends, his family were there. There was not a single person who didn't shed a tear but there was only one who felt as if she had died as well.

Calleigh simply stood and watched the ceremony, the people but felt nothing inside. She heard Ryan's father speaking as his voice cracked, she saw his mother cry but eventually she couldn't remember anything.

The department and patrol were there as well; all but Eric. Horatio had invited him but he had decided not to show up and sent a card instead. Calleigh hadn't seen him since that morning and she had no desire to do that as well.

She saw the coffin being lowered and knew it would be appropriate to cry but she just couldn't squeeze the tears out. There were no emotions; only a big dark hole inside her.

"Calleigh, is everything all right?" Horatio stood next to her with an expression that told her he knew everything although no one had told him.

"Yeah, I'm… I'm fine," she replied. No, not _rep_lied but _lied_. She was far from okay and wished it would all just be over.

"If you want to talk… I'll get you a session with a very good advisor. Are you okay with that?"

She nodded and acquired her blank expression again.

_The rumors flew but nobody kne__w how much she blamed herself_

Calleigh didn't feel comfortable sitting in that spacious white waiting-room, waiting to see the doctor Horatio had recommended. She knew this was going to be a session of her ripping her soul apart and the rest of the day trying to fix it. But she didn't want H to worry about her.

"Ms. Duquesne, if you're ready…" She stood and walked into the cabinet.

Dr. Monroe was in her early 40s, slender and blonde.

"Ms. Duquesne, please, take a seat. Would you like me to ask the questions or do you just feel like talking?" Her voice was sharp but not mean.

Calleigh just shrugged. She had no idea what she wanted.

"Okay, I'll ask then. How are you feeling right now?"

She contemplated the question for a while. What _did_ she feel? The truth was that all her emotions were gone but she decided to say, "Fine."

"Are you sad?"

"No."

"Angry?"

"No."

"Blaming someone?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is…" she looked at her papers, "Ryan guilty for his death?"

The question surprised her. Was he guilty? No. _She_ was the guilty one. If she had cared, if she hadn't been such a fool, he would be alive.

"No."

The answer didn't seem to surprise the doctor. "Are you blaming yourself?"

She didn't respond. She had hoped to get this over with quickly and right now felt like just walking out of the door.

"Would you like to continue this another time, maybe? I see you don't feel like talking."

Calleigh finally walked out only ten minutes after the session feeling nothing different. But she knew she needed comfort and she also knew where to get it from.

Calleigh looked at the bottle in front of her. _This is not right_, a tiny-tiny voice in the back of her head told her. _You need to talk, not drink_. But the emptiness she felt inside gave her enough reason and she poured herself a drink. The smell of whiskey brought back all the memories of Ryan and this time she let her tears fall. Silently she drank and cried, knowing that it was all her fault.

_For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath_

All through the next week, she arrived a little late to work and as she was known never to be late, Horatio noticed that. He also saw the dark circles under her eyes, the way her hair was messy and that she wore the same clothes every day. Something was wrong.

"Calleigh, can I talk to you for a moment? In my office?"

"Sure." She put down the gun she was examining and went with him.

They sat down and just sat for a couple of minutes in silence. Horatio took the time to look at her and everything he saw scared him.

"Calleigh, how is everything going? With Dr. Monroe, I mean."

"Good. It is good to talk to her."

The truth was that she had not gone back since the first time and Horatio knew it. He couldn't help but wondering why she was lying.

"Is it helping?"

"Yes. Listen, I need to go back, the evidence is still waiting."

"Don't you want to take some days off to think? You came to work right after the funerals."

She smiled weakly. "I'm fine, H, really am."

But when she looked up, at him, he could see that her usually emotional eyes were so empty and all expression was gone. And when she had left, he could feel the small breath of alcohol that hung in the room. That was not good.

_She finally drank her pain away a little at a time_

_But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind_

_Until the night_

It continued the same way for weeks. She would pretend to be okay, pretend that she didn't look like a mess, that the breath of whiskey didn't come from her. She played a charade and managed to convince everyone.

But late at night when she couldn't sleep, she just sat in the eerie quietness of her apartment and convinced herself that the pain, the memories, the faces would go away; she just needed to drink more and more and more. Although she knew that drinking wouldn't solve anything, she hoped it would make things easier.

The night came again, and again she found herself drinking. This time she thought to visit some old memories and she sorted through a whole bunch of photos. Each picture caused her more and more pain as she could see Ryan everywhere. Even if he wasn't in the picture, she could see him reflect in her eyes, could see him in the sun, in her smile, in the trees; he was everywhere.

Calleigh picked up the newspaper she had kept and read Ryan's obituary:

_In loving memory of Ryan Jonathan Wolfe, __1978 – 2007. Remembered by family and friends. May you rest in peace. You will always be in our hearts and memories. _

She had no idea why she read that over and over again. There were no big words, no big emotions but the simplicity of it all just struck her. All that was left of him was a photo in the newspaper, an obituary and a tombstone. And that was because she had failed him.

_She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger_

_And finally drank away his memory_

_Life is short but this time it was bigger_

_Than the strength she had to get up off her knees_

It had been three months since Ryan had died and this day would've been his 29th birthday. Calleigh had decided to go to work but when she woke up in the morning, she just couldn't will herself to do that. So she called the department and called in sick. H would know, no doubt about that but she didn't care.

Just as any other day for the past months she poured herself whiskey and simply sat and stared in front of herself. The images of Ryan lying on bed kept playing in her head and it was as if they would never stop. No matter how hard she tried.

By late afternoon Calleigh had flipped through the pictures again and again and each time she saw him, she felt the wounds in her heart rip open. But she couldn't put them down. This was his day and this was her way of commemorating him.

Calleigh sat back onto her bed and contemplated everything again. She was holding a picture of him, made in the early days of their relationship where all was new and fresh.

Her head was throbbing with pain. She dragged herself to the bathroom and found a half-empty bottle of painkillers. In any other case she would've known that it isn't a fairly good idea to mix pills and alcohol but right now she didn't care.

Sitting in her bed, Calleigh took a handful of painkillers and swallowed them with the soft golden brown liquid. After a while the throbbing stopped but her head started to buzz instead. She started to feel sleepy and lay down on the bed, still holding the picture in her hand.

Time passed and finally she could feel every single member in her body becoming light and a thick ethereal fog clouded her mind. She fell and fell until there was no pain anymore.

_We found her with her face down in the pillow_

_Clinging to his picture for dear life_

Horatio decided to stop by Calleigh's place that evening. She had called in sick but he knew very well that it was Ryan's anniversary and he wanted to make sure she didn't do anything stupid.

He rang the doorbell. Once. Twice. Thrice. But no one seemed to be there to hear that.

"Calleigh? Are you in there?"

After waiting for a few minutes, he called her cell. If she was out, she would pick it up. But instead of that he heard the phone ringing inside. And his gut feeling was not being positive about this.

He touched the doorknob and to his surprise the door was not locked. He withdrew his weapon, just in case and slowly made his way through the apartment.

"Calleigh?"

No response. Only eerie silence.

When he reached her bedroom, he was almost afraid to open the door. And when he finally did, slowly, he saw what he had been afraid to see.

Calleigh was lying on her bed, face on the pillow and her golden hair around hair, making her look like an angel. Only that Horatio could see she was not an earthly angel anymore.

He checked her pulse anyways but then quickly judged the bottles he saw lying around and the bottle of painkillers next to her and knew it was too late.

He saw the picture of Ryan in her hand and couldn't help but ask, "Forgive her, please." Not directed towards someone, he just hoped it would help.

_We laid her next to him beneath the willow_

_While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby_

Calleigh was buried next to Ryan and neither one's families objected to that. After the ceremony when all had left, Horatio gazed at the plates. _Ryan Jonathan Wolfe 1978 – 2007_ and _Calleigh Emily Duquesne 1972 – 2007_.

"For better, for worse, till death do you together."

* * *

**A/N: Yes, I know, Calleigh was a little OOC but it was necessary for the plot. Now push the button and no (big) flames, please.**


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